As I’m navigating through life, especially now I’m in my 40’s, I’m really trying to explore the things I believe in.
I’m 100% into manifesting, also believing that if I have tried manifesting something and it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t mean I failed. It instead means that that thing, whatever it is, wasn’t meant for me for whatever reason and that the universe is looking out for me. I have to trust that.
I trust that if a word or phrase is in my mind constantly then something or someone is trying to tell me to listen to that and focus on it for whatever reason.
And I believe in the “Burnt Toast Theory”. Except this week, I ignored it.
I had a really lovely Mothers Day. I felt spoilt and had a relaxing day. I decided to treat us to a McDonalds so ordered on the app to go and collect. I got in my car and the battery was dead. Que a lot of stress because I had to go collect the food and also had to go to Northampton the following day to stay over ready for a team meeting on Tuesday.
My amazing fiancé came and picked me up to go get the food. Then 2 hours later came back over to help charge my battery. By 9 o clock I was out driving for half an hour to charge the battery some more. Before this I had messaged my mum “ This might be a “burnt toast” thing for me. Maybe I shouldn’t go to Northampton”.
My car started in the morning, lovely. I dropped Charles off at his work friends house then dropped Harry off at school, headed to my fiancé's to accept his new sofa delivery and at 1pm left for Northampton...constantly nervous that something would go wrong with my car.
I got there safe but there was some kind of "dark cloud feeling". I still wasn't 100% sure I should have gone but I tried to push that feeling to the side. I went for a lovely dinner with some colleagues then, at around 9:15 whilst in the restaurant I all of a sudden felt dizzy and my skin felt tingly. We got the bill and went back to the hotel and I went straight to bed.
At 4am I woke up with an excruciating migraine and sickness. At 6am I tried to go back to sleep, despite wanting to go home, and at 7am I decided the best thing to do was just that. Drive home.
The 3 hour journey was scary and difficult, but I felt I had no choice. I needed to be in my own environment and not be stuck in a hotel or to be with a group of people.
I got home safely thank goodness and went to bed.
In the evening I felt no better, Googled and ChatGPT'd my symptoms, messaged my fiancé and called 111. They advised me to go to A&E. My fiancé drove me over and we knew it would be a long night when we were told it was 2 hours just to be initially seen and then could be another 4 hours until we saw a doctor.
It felt so dramatic and I felt guilty going there for a migraine but they were really lovely and reassured me that I wasn't being dramatic or overreacting because they know how bad migraines can be.
I've had migraines before but never that bad.
At around 4am we eventually got home. I spent yesterday relaxing, trying everything I could to manage the pain, kept myself hydrated and try to feel better. Whilst also managing the feelings of guilt at taking a day off work sick.
I think my car battery dying on Sunday was my "Burnt Toast". Rather than fighting it, getting my car "fixed" (really, I need a new battery and shouldn't make do with what I've got) I felt I should show my face at a work meeting rather than keeping myself safe. My "Burnt Toast" wasn't actually about my car. My car got me there and back safe, but it was telling me to stay home because I was about to have the worst migraine and pain I've experienced.
I'm annoyed that although I recognised it, by mentioning it to my mum, I didn't really acknowledge it.
The positives from this experience, because it's always good to look at the positives right? Is that it has really made me reflect on my gratitude.
I have felt love and appreciation from the small amount of people who have checked in on me, I have felt love and appreciation from my mum who came to sit with me yesterday and who kept her phone near her when I was in the hospital even though it was stupid o clock, and for my fiancé who drove me to hospital, sat with me and drove me home and then missed a day of work.
My point of writing this is certainly not for attention, far from it. But more of a reminder that it's never too late to look into the things you believe in and to follow them, even if no one else believes in it.
It's so important to put yourself first and my belief system might be a bit different to others but I do believe that the Universe guides me and I will, from now on, follow that and not worry about "letting others down" or "disappointing people" if it means I am keeping myself safe.
