One the 1st of February 2025 I had a breakdown. I really hated myself and couldn't see a way out. On the 3rd of February I handed it over and within 2 minutes I was on a virtual Overeaters Anonymous Zoom meeting that changed my life.
That meeting is now my "home meeting". Every week I join the meeting alongside some incredible people, across the world, who live with food addiction too.
They have seen me laugh, they've seen me cry, they know more about my struggles than anyone else and they accept me for them.
I can't say that in that year I have been "food sober". I relapsed for around 4 months, but I didn't admit this to anyone. But I still attended the meetings, I still put in some of the work even though the addiction had taken hold of me. I knew I had a problem and didn't hide away from that, but I felt the shame of food taking over my life again.
I saw my year in OA anniversary as a really positive one and celebrated it privately.
OA has changed me in so many ways in this past year and I know that even if I do relapse there are still other areas of my life that are positive due to the programme.
Emotions
I've always been an incredibly emotional person. Anyone who knows me knows that I cry over anything and everything. I struggled with that for a while thinking it was a bad thing, until therapy in 2024 made me realise it's part of who I am and I don't need to be ashamed of it.
Being in OA I've been able to really explore my emotions. When do I turn to food for comfort? Is it because I'm angry? Happy? Sad? Hurt? Frustrated? Bored?
I have been able to recognise that food is my comfort when my emotions are negative. It becomes my best friend, it makes me feel better. It's always there.
Now I am able to recognise my emotions and find other ways to deal with them than to turn to food. If I'm feeling bored what can I do instead? If I'm feeling hurt, angry, sad or frustrated what else can I do to erase those emotions?
I will now, at times, allow those feelings to stay with me longer than I would before. To dissect them, to work out what I can control and what I can't control and then hand it over.
I still have those feelings of not liking myself sometimes, but I'm able to recognise it and turn it around, sometimes not as quickly as I'd like but I'm still work in progress and am kinder to myself.
Routine
I always thought if there was a Little Miss book written about me it would be "Little Miss Doesn't Do Routine". Turns out I was WRONG! I don't know if its an age thing or just where I am in life right now but it turns out I do actually need routine in my life, something it has taken me a while to recognise and I still forget.
If I'm in a good routine I will eat better, I can avoid the feelings of boredom, it lessons the pressure I put on myself. I can keep the addiction at bay.
Journaling
Probably not really a surprise that writing helps me when I have a blog but journaling has been such a big part of how I deal with my addiction and my emotions. If I write it down then it's out of my head.
I particularly like free-writing, opening the pages and just letting the words flow and not being conscious of what I'm writing. It feels really therapeutic and a lot of the time when I read back what I've written, although I feel the weight lifted from my head, I can't always appreciate that that is how I was feeling. Which can be quite sad sometimes, to not recognise that those were my thoughts and feelings but it's also quite freeing too.
In November I also started a separate journal (yes, I have a notebook addiction) based on 'Intentions and Affirmations'. This is one that I do every morning (if I don't manage it in the morning I make time in the day to do it) using colourful metallic pens and I write affirmations or reminders for the day. One the first day of each month I write my intentions for that month too.
Sometimes this will be what my head is telling me to say, and other days I sit and focus, I open up Pinterest and the first quote I see if what I'll write down as I believe I was meant to read it. It's so therapeutic and really helps me to focus and take some time out for myself.
Boundaries, values and sticking up for myself
This goes hand in hand really with emotions and routine. I'm able to set boundaries, say no, stick up for myself in all areas of my life, particularly at work. I've really worked on recognising what my values are and have really made more of an effort to live by those and to stick by them.
I use my voice more. If something doesn't align with my values I'll walk away, but I'll say why too.
Unfortunately it did take my 4 month relapse for me to recognise this area but as a result I am grateful for that relapse to give me this clarity.
