For the last 3 weeks I've joined 24 Zoom meetings. I've talked on some of them, shied away on others, and until today kept my camera off.
I was asked today to just put my camera on for security reasons so they could see it was me and then I could turn my camera off.
I panicked. I didn't want to put my camera on. I almost ran and left the meeting, I almost sit there with my camera off hoping they'd forget.
I panicked. I didn't want to put my camera on. I almost ran and left the meeting, I almost sit there with my camera off hoping they'd forget.
I gained the strength to put my camera on. They said thank you and then I unmuted.
"This is the first time I've put my camera on and this week I wanted to do that for the first time, I'm going to keep it on". They showed me amazing support.
I quickly muted myself, feeling completely overwhelmed with the kindness and support but also, all of a sudden super vulnerable.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
DO NOT CRY!!
I didn't realise just how empowered I would then feel with the support of having my camera on.
I not only talked when I usually would sometimes, but I read something at the beginning of the meeting too.
I stayed on when it had finished and gave some input, spoke confidently, also then offering to support with certain aspects. Which again were so gratefully received and supported.
As we said goodbye someone said "Lauren, thank you for having your camera on. I'm really glad you did that" and then.....wow.
I logged off Zoom and I cried.
I wasn't sad. Goodness, anyone who knows me knows I cry over everything anyway.
But it was tears of relief. I had finally taken the step to show my face. To be completely raw and vulnerable.
Not just a black screen with the name Lauren in the bottom of it.
It was tears of gratitude, of pride, of strength.
I was brave in reading at the beginning of the meeting. Brave with talking later on and then brave with stepping forward and saying "I'll help with whatever you need help with. Let me do that for you".
I'm at a stage in life at the moment where, in one area, I feel a little bit lost.
I've felt it before in this area and thought I'd found my way but I haven't yet and need to make some decisions.
However, these meetings make me feel found, feel seen and feel heard. And not alone.
I need to be brave, be vulnerable but most importantly, I just need to show up.
In just 3 weeks, 24 meetings, I feel the strongest I have for a while.
I feel motivated, powerful.
I feel brave, I feel vulnerable and I don't feel judged.
I feel equal to everyone.
And soon, when I feel vulnerable and brave enough, I'll share the journey I have been on and am currently going on (without needing to be cryptic).
One day at a time.
