I saw Riverdale advertised on there and started to watch that and then noticed another series that kept popping up.
13 Reasons Why.
I managed to avoid it for a week and then couldn't resist. And decided that if I was going to watch it, I would binge watch it. And over 3 days I finished it.
At first I didn't like it. I didn't like the set up of it and it felt cheap and a bit too "teeny". And then as I got into it, as each episode passed, I found myself relating to a lot of what was going on.
The experiences she had with "friends", the attitude and perception she had from others.
This tv show all of a sudden went from being an almost avoidable teeny show to one I found myself emotionally invested in.
I found myself sitting there questioning my life. I thought about everyone in it and I soon had this list in my head of those who had let me down. Who continue to let me down. Who make me doubt myself and who make me feel worthless.
I have some amazing people in my life. But I do wait for them to let me down, because most people tend to.
But I realise that I can't do anything about how they treat me. I can do my best and be the best person I can be. I need to hope that if I treat them right then hopefully, they will treat me right too.
I found myself looking at other areas. At those who I can control.
Looking at ways that I can change how I was being treated. Because I think that's something we need to focus on more often in life, we don't have to accept shit from other people. We don't have to accept feeling inadequate due to others.
I am guilty of trying to hard to please other people and to impress other people and to be unappreciated or to have it unnoticed.
And I keep going. I ignore how it feels, the hurt and the neglect, because that's the kind of person I am.
But maybe that is where I am going wrong. I am allowing people to treat me in this way, and therefore allowing myself to feel this way.
Almost encouraging it.
And so I decided that rather than making the programme make me feel down, and low about my life, and the areas I should change. I will do just that.
Change.
I will remove those people, and situations that make me feel worthless and second best.
I will stop trying to be someone that I think everyone will like and will instead just be me. Whether people like her or not.
I will fight my corner when people say something hurtful. When people assume I am a certain person due to things I say or things I have done.
When people expect things from me, just because of who they perceive me to be.
You never know what anyone is going through. How they feel. How they suffer.
You might think they seem happy, strong, independent. But they might be none of those things.
I need to care only for the people who deserve it and appreciate it.
I need to focus my energy on myself, my boys, our home.
And to make sure I positively impact our lives. And make it as good as I can.
