Tonight I'm feeling quite negative about my blog, and about myself.
I'm not writing this for sympathy. I'm writing it to get it off my chest so I can have a clearer head when I go to sleep. As well as stopping me from deleting the whole thing as well as Twitter.
I love my blog, and I'm really quite proud of it.
I think it is good.
I feel protective over it too and sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it.
Why am I writing it?
Do people really enjoy reading it?
What do people actually think of me?
I work hard in what I write, setting up photos and so on, trying to make my header look nice, but let's be honest, it's not just for me. If it was then it would be private, I'd be writing things down on Microsoft Word instead.
Last Friday I bought a ticket for BritMums Live. It was a big step for me. I've never been to London alone, never slept in a hotel alone and never had a night away from the boys (other than the night I was in labour with Harry).
I was (am!) excited to be seeing my friends and was totally caught up in that moment, that now the anxiety and doubt has set in.
When people say they want you there. They want to meet you.
And deep down, you think...no, you really feel that it's not true.
It can't be true because it's you. And why would anyone want to meet you?
I look at Twitter and the blogging community and it reminds me of school sometimes, and my life growing up.
People seem to have particular people they talk to regularly. Not a clique but almost, although not in a negative way.
I find myself wanting to join in and as much as I try I just can't.
So I float around, going elsewhere for conversation and then...I'm floating around again. Just watching everyone else. Just watching their conversations.
And I fear this is how things will be at BritMums.
That I don't belong.
I desperately wanted to announce that I was going as soon as the ticket confirmation landed in my inbox, and it's been hard to stay quiet.
But now I feel there isn't any need to announce it because, deep down, I feel that people will just say they want to meet me, but really don't.
Or in a reality, it will be met with silence.
Who is she again?
And I picture myself like that on the day. Stood alone, unnoticed with everyone wondering why on earth I am there.
I was feeling so positive two days ago.
Self doubt really sucks.
