So on Wednesday I have another appointment to try and deal with this anxiety creature currently residing in my head.
I want to feel excited about this appointment. Other appointments I've had have been an hour long. In that time we've talked about a lot, but still had a lot of area untouched. You can imagine my annoyance at this appointment on Wednesday being limited to half an hour.
It's also pretty clear that any past notes that have been made with previous staff members won't be making an appearance.
So in half an hour I have to talk about everything I've already talked about. Everything I haven't been able to fit into one hour, I now have to squish into 30 quick little minutes.
This ultimately means I will also have to decide which of my issues is most important.
Which one affects me the most?
They all do.
The anxiety.
The birth, still.
The feeling of being worthless. Which is a tough one to explain because I know I'm a good mother. I know I'm a good friend. Yet I think, I know in fact, that everyone else think differently. It's obvious.
I feel like everyone is waiting for me to breakdown. To totally lose it.
How many times do people want to ask me how I'm coping with two boys?
It's not even a regular question, like a general interest.
But more of a tilt of the head, "how are you coping? You look tired, run down, and like you aren't coping? My goodness, aren't you fat. Comfort eating? Your hair looks crap." *people don't say these things but you can tell what they're thinking.
I know a couple of friends talk about it behind my back. They think I fake at being happy. I fake at coping. They don't think I'm doing well.
They think I lie about how much the boys get on. Secretly Charles is an evil brother who punches, bites and pushes his baby brother.
Totally untrue. Well, he has his moments but doesn't punch as he doesn't no how to (ie we haven't taught him that!) And in reality it's the other way round, Harry is rougher than Charles. But they are just doing what every sibling does. It's not real fighting of course. None of it is malicious.
This links me well with my next "issue"...
Paranoia. I've always been paranoid. Always. But not like this. It's much more heightened.
I guess paranoia and anxiety are closely linked and almost pretty much identical in most ways.
The paranoia I definitely a mutation of the anxiety.
With this new development, or maybe it was always there and I just didn't realise, I do wonder what is next.
I've been lucky to dodge post natal depression but I'm really worried that if this isn't tackled soon then depression will be the next thing to hit.
There's only so much I can do to help myself and at the moment I can't help but to feel a little, well a lot, let down by the Wellbeing Service for not holding my hand.
Part of my issues stem from feeling abandoned and not very important. Being forgotten about. So far the Wellbeing Service have just fuelled these feelings by forgetting about me.
Not a great start let's be honest.
Goodness knows how long this will go on for.
Until I'm better.
Until I feel I can cope.
Until I'm in control.
