All I’ve seen is how proud parents are of their children, how excited they are for them for the next stage of their life. College, apprenticeships etc. But what I haven’t seen, not from one person, is the sadness.
I feel like I’m alone with this.
The last time we bought a school bag, the last pair of school shoes, the last blazer, the last pack of pens. The last day you make them a school packed lunch.
The last day you take them to school and pick them up as a student.
I felt numb in the days leading up to my son’s final days of high school. I felt confused that I couldn’t recognise any feelings I thought I would feel.
I sat with myself a few times to try and get in touch with my feelings, to connect but there was nothing.
Then they really hit me.
I’d taken 2 days off work, thinking I would be really practical in those days. Housework done, be a taxi for him going out with his friends. Connect with my feelings and feel lighter.
Instead, other than tidying up the front garden with his help once he had finished his last GCSE exam, I did nothing other than my art journal and watching tv.
I had no motivation, the numb feeling continued and then sadness hit.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely proud of my son. I’m excited for what is to come for him. He has been an absolute dream during the lead up to and during his exams.
But now, we’re in this unknown period. Will he like his college course? What job will he get? Can we get him an apprenticeship alongside his college course?
Friday morning it was just me and my youngest son getting ready to do the school run. We looked at each other at one point and said “this feels weird”.
Our routine has all of a sudden changed. There’s only one child getting ready for school. Only one school uniform I need to wash ready for Monday. There’s only one packed lunch I need to make.
There’s only one child I will get notifications about on the school app.
I had to try and recognise these feelings of sadness and numb and it made sense to me then.
I’m grieving.
Grieving the school years. Grieving that era. Grieving having a child who still depends on me. Grieving the routine. Grieving the fact that we knew everyday what we were doing.
And now we have to readjust. To get used to a new way of life. A new routine. And we won’t really know what that looks like for another 2 and a half months.
Not only does their life and their routine change but so does the life of a parent.
What kind of parent do I need to be now?
What does that look like?
How does that feel?
What is expected of me?
What’s my level of responsibility now?
I feel like I’m muddling through adulthood the majority of the time. Wading through thick mud, not sure where to step next, if I’m doing it right. I get stuck and don’t know what to do next.
And now I feel I need to adult harder, for my young adult, and I don’t know how to do that.
I do the best I can. Most of the time I’m winging it. Not really conscious of what I’m doing.
I think I’m a good parent. I’m a good role model. I provide for my children the best I can. We create memories as much as we can. I listen to them. I talk to them.
I make them feel as safe and secure physically and emotionally as much as I possibly can.
But what now?
I worry I don’t know how to do this part. It doesn’t feel natural now.
When do I let go? How do I let go?
Do I need to let go?
They don’t tell you about this stage.
And it feels so lonely.
